


Scare Me

by Orange17



Series: When You Come Back to Me Again [2]
Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/F, No Revenants, POV Nicole Haught
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-03-24 04:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13803393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orange17/pseuds/Orange17
Summary: Nicole and Waverly finally sit down to talk everything out after season 2, from Nicole’s perspective.





	1. Took a Long Walk After Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> This is Nicole’s perspective on the events that occurred in my other work “When You Come Back to Me Again,” where I tried to take a realistic stab at how the couple would handle their “sorry party” and the confessions that would arise from that conversation. As with Waverly’s POV, this will definitely be a bit angsty but, if you’ve read the other work, you know a happy ending is in store—which may make this a little anticlimactic, so I apologize if that’s the case. 
> 
> Though I tried to write this in a way that it would stand up on its own, it likely won’t fully make sense without having read Waverly’s POV, particularly around the original character, as I didn’t want to rehash too much for folks who’ve read the other part. However, if you have questions, add them in the comments—I’m happy to clarify anything. 
> 
> Title is from Kenny Chesney’s song “Scare Me.” Chapter titles are lyrics from the same song. 
> 
> Anyways, enough of my rambling: I hope you enjoy!

With a shuddering breath, Nicole’s weak fingers fumbled to align the key with the ignition of her truck.

Her unsteady hand fell away, and the officer blinked back tears as her vision shifted to take one final, long look at the homestead. Before tears could fall, she blindly reached back for the ignition and turned until the engine roared to life.

Her arm felt heavier than lead as she shifted the vehicle into drive. Nicole’s foot lingered on the brake pedal, keeping the truck idle, as her stomach churned at the idea of leaving Waverly alone after their conversation last night.

She closed her eyes and, as it had all night, her mind automatically played image after image of Waverly kissing Rosita.

Cold jealously and betrayal hit her at once, coursing through her veins forcing bile to creep up the back of her throat. She swallowed roughly, forcing the bitter acid down, and her foot automatically rose from the pedal to punch the gas.

Fishtailing slightly on the dirt driveway, her old truck accelerated quickly and, before she could think better of it, she sped away from the homestead without a glance in the rearview mirror.

Her body lethargically went through the motions as it navigated her truck to her house, while her mind replayed her night and morning at the homestead. It was hard to believe that less than 9 hours ago, she had Waverly in arms, comforting her girlfriend after she spilled the contents of her stomach.

 _A break_ , she thought bitterly, _what the hell was a break going to do?_

She knew she needed time, but did she have to go that far? Her mind shifted, instead to debate the merits of her letter and leaving French toast for her girlfriend. It was a horrible substitute for her own presence, she knew, but it made her heart feel a little less heavy as she exited the homestead.

As she drove further from Earp land, the jealousy that had surged through her faded and dissipated into fear.

Fear of what was to come.

Fear that the unwavering trust she had implicitly put in Waverly, from the first time she met her, would never heal and would always be…broken.

Because if there was one word, to sum up the spectrum of feelings Nicole had at that moment, it was just that: broken.

The idea that something ruptured that bond between her and Waverly nearly caused Nicole to double over in agony. At that moment, it felt trivial what had caused that damage, whether it was hidden DNA results, an unrevealed marriage, or a stolen kiss because that reason was only a diversion from the genuine pain.

Because Waverly had made her feel whole and had felt like home. The shorter woman had filled up her lungs, breathing life into her veins, more fully than oxygen ever would.

With a jerk of the steering wheel and the crunch of gravel under the tires of her truck, the officer hastily pulled her truck off the road as acid surged in the back of her throat. Her foot came down heavily on the brake pedal until she slid to a stop on the side of the empty road.

She blindly threw the vehicle in park, rested her forehead on the steering wheel, and forcibly swallowed the bitter gunk back down into her stomach. It burned the back of her throat, causing her eyes to water; but they didn’t stop there. Everything from the past few hours hit her tired body again, a new wave of hurt took over, and her eyes spilled fresh tears.

Several minutes passed before she was able to regain composure, lifting her head and hastily wiping away tears with the heel of her hand. It was only then that she gazed out the window, scanning her surroundings to gauge where she was.

Unable to subdue a shudder, Nicole realized she couldn’t be more than 20 yards from where she died.

She shook her head, blaming the dramatic thought on the emotions pouring through her and the lack of sleep from the night before.

A flash of pain rippled across her chest.

For a brief moment, she thought her mind and body were echoing the ache from Jack’s boot.

But instead, the pain was something closer to…heart break?

Because her mind had shifted from death to life, dark to light and instead filled her mind with one particular image: Waverly Earp standing on the front porch of the homestead, a shawl wrapped around her shoulders for warmth, waving at her, nervously averting her eyes, and then allowing the tiniest hint of a smile to tug at the corner of her lips.

Though she had, in a state of loose-lip pain-killer induced judgment, let slip that Waverly’s wave was what she remembered most from Wynonna’s abduction, no one, not even her girlfriend, knew one significant detail about that horrible day. What kept Nicole alive, what kept her warm, holding on, willing the blackness out of her vision for as long as she could, was that whisper of a smile. Because it felt like… _hope_?

Hope was a painfully insignificant word to describe that lighter than air feeling that made her head spin and made her lungs expand more thoroughly than they ever had before. Hope didn’t capture the way nothing felt impossible at that moment and how every wish, every dream, and every vision her mind’s eye ever had about her future felt attainable, within her grasp, just on the very tip of her fingers. Hope didn’t convey how her toes tingled, how her lips couldn’t not pull up in a smile in spite of everything else occurring around her.

And that hope was stronger than death. She knew it willed her back to life, because, even then, she knew, deep down that she loved Waverly. And she knew Waverly would need her to find Wynonna, her sister being the one the young Earp cared for the most. So how could the officer depart this life when Waverly needed her more than ever?

But even that moment, that memory felt fractured. What if Jack came out of nowhere and beat her to within an inch of death again? Would their damaged and vulnerable bond be enough to thwart the grim reaper once again?

She shook her head, willing the toxic train of thought to derail, and sped home.

\--

Once her truck was parked in the driveway at her place, Nicole numbly crossed the threshold, unease settling through her at the echo of the door slamming shut behind her.

It felt horribly wrong. Like she was at the wrong place at the wrong time. For, give or take, the millionth time that morning, she wondered if she should’ve stayed at the homestead until Waverly woke up so, whatever was to happen next, could play out.

But then, an image of Waverly’s lips on Rosita’s flashed through her mind, with Waverly possessively pulling the other woman closer.

That was all it took for her to violently slam her keys on the coffee table and trudge upstairs.

 _A shower_ , she thought, that was what she needed to clear her mind.

\--

The moment hot water hit her fatigued body, she broke again. A new emotion crashing over her, pulling her under, wrapping around her lungs: guilt.

Guilt that this was her fault. _She_ kept the DNA results from Waverly. _She_ broke her girlfriend’s trust first. By opening that damn envelope, she practically shoved the brunette into the comforting arms of another.

And that was how she ended up leaning heavily on the subway tiles sobbing hysterically, doing all she could to not slip and fall as the hurt and anguish coursing through her body nearly brought her to her knees.

But she can’t fall, she knew, because she’s here all by herself and if she hurts herself in the shower, god only knows how long it will be until someone comes to find her.

It’s that thought that caused her to forcibly turn the knob, halting the water flow.

After toweling off, the redhead slipped into her bedroom, dressed in her favorite sweats and hoodie, and fell into her bed. She pulled one of the many blankets Waverly left on the bed into her face and broke down again.

She wasn’t sure how long she laid there before her phone buzzed impatiently, with an incoming call.

Hastily wiping her face on the blanket and clearing her throat, she picked up the device to see an unexpected contact flashing on the screen. 

Her thumb hovered over the button to accept the call, while her eyes bulged as they did a double take at her friend’s name.

Swiping to answer, she forced an upbeat tone into her voice, “Hey!”

There was a pause before an answer came from Erin, “Well you sound falsely chipper this morning, not getting laid, bud?”

Nicole felt as though her heart was in a vice at the joke and silent tears slipped from her eyes.

“Or are you getting laid now? Ew. No, I don’t wanna know.”

The redhead forced a laugh. “No, no nothing like that.”

Another pause. “You ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, what’s up?”

“I’m not convinced…but I can figure it out in person soon because…my transfer stuff went through.”

Nicole quickly sat up, “You’re not messing with me, right?"

“Nope, just found out…I’mma ship some boxes to your place, if that’s ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Nicole replied, hurriedly. “When are you gettin’ here?”

“I’m mostly packed, so I can probably hit the road tonight or tomorrow. Should be two days if I leave today, three otherwise…”

“Do you need a place to stay?”

“No, Liam found a nice place that was on the market for ages and the owner was desperate to unload it, so we shook him down pretty good—actually unfairly good if I’m totally honest.”

The redhead let her friend’s words sink in. Of course, Erin’s realtor friend from the nearby city would find her a steal of a place; Liam was the only reason Nicole had locked in such a great rental.

“You _bought_ a place?” Nicole asked, disbelief filling her voice, as she ran a hand through her hair.

“Yeah, it was a much better deal than I’d ever find renting. Paperwork is all signed and taken care of. Liam’s got the keys, just gotta pick them up from him on the way through.”

“Anything else you need?”

“Nah, I should be good…you sure you’re ok? Everything alright with your girl?”

Nicole heard a chime to indicate that she had a new text message. She briefly pulled her phone from her ear to read it as it flashed across the screen:

Waverly [9:37 a.m.]: Thank you for the French toast! I read your note. Take all the time you need, I’m here when you are ready. I hope you made it home safely. I love you.

Nicole held her phone back to her ear and answered slowly, “Yeah…just get here in two days…”

She frantically pressed the end call option on the screen before she sobbed loud enough to be heard in Vancouver.  

\--

Though it was her off day, she washed her face, attempting to clear all traces of tears from her features, and shrugged into her uniform, desperate for something, anything to push aside the array of feelings towards things with Waverly.

She barely made it through the door to the station when a gruff “Haught!” stopped her in her tracks.

“What do you think you’re doing here?” the sheriff asked.

With a sheepish glance at her boots, she replied, “Working, sir.”

“It’s your day off, go home. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do…I take it Reid told you she’s coming to town?”

Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes as she nodded. Ordinarily, she’d have a million better things to do on a free day, but every one of them involved Waverly.

“Take a few days, help her get settled,” Nedley generously offered.

“No, no sir,” Nicole quickly stammered. “I mean, thank you, sir. That’s kind of you, but I’d much rather be here, pullin’ my own weight.”

The sheriff put a hand up, “I’m not asking you, I’m _telling_ you. Now git outta here before I put you on desk duty for a month. I’ll gladly give Reid all your patrol shifts.”

With a groan and her head still down, Nicole turned and had no choice but to retreat back out the double doors.

“Whoa, whoa Haught!”

The deputy jerked her head up, just as she was about to walk into the deputy marshal. She quickly changed her momentum and took a step back, out of his space.

“Shit, sorry Dolls.”

He eyed her warily, “Everything ok? Aren’t you supposed to be off?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied quickly. “You need me for anything today?”

“No, but if something changes, I’ll call,” he replied slowly, gaze still suspicious.

“Are you sure? I mean, I’ll do anything, paperwork even,” Nicole offered, desperation in her voice. “I’m sure you’re way behind on stuff like that since Wynonna would never be able to sit through something so mundane, but—”

Dolls cut her off, “Haught, go home.”

“But…” she trailed off.

“No buts. Relax. Spend time with Waverly. _I_ may not be able to charge you with treason for disobeying orders, but I can call in a favor with friends who _can_.”

Nicole watched as a twisted grin spread across his face.

“Ok, I’m leaving,” she sighed, hands raised in surrender, barely wondering if the deputy marshal was joking or not.

\--

Curled up on the couch, every muscle in Nicole’s body ached.

Desperate for something productive to do, she called Liam the next day and drove into the city to pick up the keys to Erin’s new place. After a quick pit stop at the store to arm herself with cleaning supplies and rent a carpet cleaner, she went to her old roommate’s new home, determined to have the place spotless for when her friend arrived.

At least that’s what she told herself as she scrubbed, mopped, vacuumed, decontaminated, and scrubbed some more to clean every inch of the bungalow.

She scrubbed with vigor, as though with every movement, she was repenting her betrayal to the woman that she loved. Every aching muscle, every strain, every drop of sweat that poured from her, she hoped would act as bleach on her soul, disinfecting and sanitizing the error of her ways.

Though she started the day desperately cleaning to atone, by the time she made it home, to her couch, after a long hot shower to clean off the sweat and grime from her day, she knew this wasn’t all on her. The brokenness, or whatever it was that she felt, they both had a hand in it.

Because Waverly had _kissed_ someone else.

And that was why her head waged war with her heart as she sat on her couch with Calamity Jane in her lap.

After she stepped out of the shower and slipped into comfy clothes, Nicole checked her phone to see a text from Waverly.

Her mind froze, and her body panicked, throwing the device into the covers and sprinting downstairs, where she had been ever since.

Yesterday, after her girlfriend’s text in the morning, she turned off the preview and read receipt settings on her phone. The officer knew it was a little petty, especially the latter, but she rationalized it as self-preservation.

Which led her to her current predicament: stay on the couch or run up the stairs to see what Waverly had to say?

Nicole’s mind, the part that was spent from the day of cleaning and too exhausted to be anything but honest, told her to let it go. To wait until morning. It was _too soon_ because she didn’t trust herself to not hurt Waverly again and she didn’t know how to repair the fractured…thing…between them.

But her heart, her heart was manipulative that night. It swung from extreme to extreme, one-minute swelling at the idea that Waverly missed her, was apologizing and begging for her to come back into her waiting arms. The next minute, her heart would twist; confident that her girlfriend hated her, _despised_ her even, and was texting to her that she was done, that this was too much, and they were over.

Her mind, tried to rationalize: why would Waverly hate you?

And her twisted, aching heart replied too quickly: _Because you hid her DNA results, because you found out that she’s not an Earp before her, because you asked for a break, because you left, because you didn’t respond to her message yesterday—not even to just tell her you made it home in one piece._

All day yesterday, she went back and forth between responding and not. And even today, she debated the merits as she scrubbed. It seemed so simple in theory, to just answer, to tap out something along the lines of: _You’re welcome and thank you for understanding. And I made it home. Lov—_

She always made it to that last line before she frantically deleted everything and shoved her phone back in her pocket or tossed it on a chair, the couch, her bed, anything soft far away from her.

And now, even though she didn’t respond, Waverly sent something else.

\--

It was almost midnight before Nicole finally gave in and lumbered upstairs, groaning as her muscles strained. She knew she needed to sleep. Erin had texted from a rest-stop that she should be there by noon the next day and the redhead knew she would need her strength to help unload and unpack.

With a twist of her stomach, the officer stepped into her bedroom, ignoring how the way Waverly’s blankets were piled in a lump on the brunette’s side of the bed; the redhead had deliberately assembled the mound during her previous sleepless night, snuggling close to breath in the lingering smell of her girlfriend.

Nicole sat on the edge of her side of the bed, intentionally turning her back to the heap, and plucked her phone from her bed.

Her thumb hovered over the lock screen image of her and Waverly, the shorter woman laughing at the camera with Nicole behind her with arms locked around her waist, as she took a deep breath. Unable to stomach the suspense anymore, she recklessly punched in her passcode, unlocking the device. The officer’s hand shook as she clicked to see what Waverly wrote.

Waverly [7:54 p.m.]: Dear Nicole, I’m sorry, I know you need time but I can’t bear the idea of you stewing in this mess alone…especially knowing I’m the reason you’re hurting. Nic, I love you more than anything and I would do anything to make this right. Anything…so I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as you need. But know I love you. And I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. With all my love, Waverly.

Nicole’s eyes scanned the screen twice, quickly memorizing every word. As though in a trance, she stood, turning off her phone and tucking it on the nightstand. She picked up her pillow and returned down the stairs, back to the couch.

Carelessly tossing her pillow to one end, she flopped down, unconsciously pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and tugged it up over her chin.

She breathed deeply, forgetting who often used that blanket until Waverly’s unmistakable scent of wildflowers and freshly fallen rain filled her nostrils.

Her mind wanted to throw the blanket off, just as she had turned off her phone and left it far away before she acted in a way she would regret.

But she was tired. Her body ached. Her lungs burned.

And so, she pulled Waverly’s blanket closer, as she cried herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have mixed feelings on both this chapter and the next...both are giving me a run for money...so I can't wait to see what you guys think.


	2. Trying to Make Sense of It All

Twenty-four hours later, Nicole felt trapped in a horrible déjà vu as she was locked in another battle of wills over whether or not to read the latest message from Waverly. The only difference was that her phone sat on her coffee table, taunting her, next to a beer she had been nursing for the better part of two hours.

Curled up on her couch, the officer couldn’t remember a time her body was in more agony: between the pain in her heart and the ache in her muscles after a full-day of helping Erin move-in to her new house.

With Waverly’s blanket wrapped around her, the usually soothing scent of her girlfriend taunted her, filling her mind’s eye with her favorite memories of the brunette. It was at the memory of Waverly, Alice in her arms, that the redhead’s arm jerked out from the warm, wildflower-aroma oasis, to grab the device and hastily unlock it:

Waverly [8:59pm]: Nicole, I’m so so sorry. You told me you’ve never loved anyone the way you love me, and god you deserve to know I feel the same way, even though I did something, something horrible, that flies in the face of that. I’ve never, ever loved someone like I love you and I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to tell you that. No one has ever seen me so clearly and been so unquestionably devoted to me. I promise you, Nicole, I will go to hell and back to prove the same to you. I love you. I’m here whenever you are ready.

It felt as though a steel band wrapped around her lungs, pulling tighter with every word. 

Draining the last few drops of her beer, Nicole clicked through to her contacts and pressed to call Erin. In spite of the late hour, it only rang once. The taller woman briefly thanked the universe that her friend required little sleep to function.

“You up?” Nicole hastily interjected, even though she already knew the answer, before her friend could offer a greeting.

“…yah…”

The noise in the background and a muttered curse indicated that Erin’s attention was mostly consumed by some sort of video game.

“I’m comin’ over…and bringing C.J.”

“Cool…something up?”

The redhead ignored the question, instead choosing to answer with “See you soon,” before quickly hanging up before her friend could ask any more questions.

\--

Nicole stood on the porch of Erin’s house, the same house she left only a few hours before; this time with a cat carrier in hand.

Shifting awkwardly at the front door, the officer hesitated to knock. It was late, she really shouldn’t be bothering her friend. She could easily return to her truck, text Erin a quick “never mind,” and pretend she was never here.

As she turned on her heel to act on that thought, the door opened, startling her. The cat carrier dropped to the ground with a thud and a hiss.

The redhead watched as steel blue eyes locked on hers briefly, before scanning her face and dropping down to a still spitting C.J. Blonde eyebrows, barely noticeable in the dark, knitted together in confusion.

“Are you abandoning your cat on my doorstep?” Erin questioned, a smirk growing on her face, “I mean, I know you guys were having marital trouble, but you can still work it out.”

Nicole rolled her eyes and pulled her friend into a tight hug, the pressure on her chest easing slightly as she inhaled the citrus scent that she always associated with her former roommate.

“Avert your eyes C.J., you don’t want to see this.”

“Shut up,” Nicole mumbled into her friend’s shoulder, before pulling back. “Can I come in?”

“Nope, only Jane can,” the shorter woman replied smoothly, picking up the fallen crate.

\--

The taller woman followed her friend into the living room, Erin’s pitbull Blake brushing her head against her hand, seeking attention. Boxes remained scattered around the couch, but Nicole’s gaze was drawn to a full bottle of Jameson and two glasses the coffee table.

The blonde, clad in gray joggers, a baggy Boston University hoodie, and her favorite hat, flopped on the couch, grabbed the bottle, and twisted the cap breaking the seal. The redhead watched her friend pour a healthy measure into each glass.

“Alright, spill it Red.”

“What do you mean?” Nicole asked, feigning confusion.

“It’s after midnight, and you show up to my place with your cat, meaning you intend to spend the night. So, something in your life’s gone…awry?…Am I right?”

\--

Nicole stifled a yawn, reaching across the desk for her mug of coffee. The simple and small extension caused a twinge in her shoulder; a consequence of spending the night on Erin’s couch.

Though _night_ might be a bit of an overstatement. She spent the early hours of the morning, _sitting_ on her friend’s couch, putting a healthy dent in the bottle of Jameson, telling Erin everything, from busted beer tap to Waverly’s last text message. It was nearly 4 a.m., before she laid down, curling up on the blonde’s couch.

In spite of the uncomfortable sleeping arrangement, that only intensified the lingering ache in her body, she woke, a few short hours later, feeling as though the shackle around her lungs dissipated. It felt as though she could, finally, breathe fully for the first time since before she kept the DNA results from Waverly.

Sharing everything with her friend, wasn’t easy but it was cathartic: voicing every high and low of her and Waverly’s relationship, as though admitting every mistake aloud extracted the physical pain of her missteps from her body.

To her relief, Erin didn’t flinch when she told her about hiding the DNA results or asking for a break. Instead, she just listened, steel blue eyes peering over the lip of her glass, steady and never still. The redhead knew her friend was reading and scrutinizing each and every aspect of her inflection and body language as she spoke; under any other circumstance, she may have faltered under such analysis, but the taller woman trusted her friend implicitly to use, whatever insights she gleaned, to help.

Lifting her mug to her lips, Nicole’s mind faded back to the early hours of the morning.

\--

“I royally fucked this up, didn’t I?” Nicole asked, breaking the silence that fell between the two officers after the taller woman finished her uninterrupted run-down of her relationship with Waverly.

“Hm,” was all Erin managed as she sipped her whiskey.

The pause felt like an eternity to Nicole. Her body twisted and tensed as she awaited her friend’s response, watching as the blonde slowly placed her glass on the coffee table.

“Definitely not.”

The redhead felt her body sag slightly in a wary state of relief as if the smallest word to the contrary could put her on edge again.

She watched as her friend fumbled in her pocket for her phone, “I gotta show you something.”

The shorter woman clicked through for a few seconds before passing the device into Nicole’s hands.

Forcing her tired eyes to focus on the blindingly bright screen, she took in a quote that was typed into the Notes app.

She read: “I’m not afraid of werewolves or vampires, or haunted hotels, I’m afraid of what real human beings do to other real human beings.” – Walter Jon Williams

Her fingers shook as her mind raced, wondering what her friend knew, or maybe suspected already, about Purgatory…but what did that have to do with her and Waverly?

A soft voice pulled her attention back to her friend, “One of the attorneys shared that quote at the trial…it, um, resonated with me a lot, as you can imagine…aft—after what I saw and was a—a part of…”

The redhead nodded.

Erin cleared her throat before continuing, “But…with you guys, Nic…I get the sense that you and Waverly magnify _everything_ for each other. That you both make the mundane extraordinary for one another…but…”

“But?” Nicole echoed.

“But, it means the lows are amplified too…”

Her friend trailed off again, but this time the redhead processed it all instead of pushing further. Her mind flashed back to some of her favorite moments with Waverly: racing down the aisles at the grocery store with the winner getting to pick out cereal, cooking breakfast together and accidentally letting food burn because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, cuddled together on the couch watching, but not really watching, a movie…

And then her mind shifted to the lows: not knowing what was going on in Purgatory, being kicked out of Black Badge, knowing something was wrong with Waverly when she was possessed but not having the faintest clue as to _what_ , the silent treatment from her girlfriend after she kept the DNA results from her…

Erin was definitely right.

On cue, as if that thought was plainly written across her face for her friend to read, the blonde spoke up, her tone soft, “You weren’t wrong to ask for space, but you know as well as I do that the **_only_** way the two of you will be able to salvage this is to talk.”

Nicole’s gaze fell to the floor.

\--

“Haught…”

Her last name in a stern tone pulled her to the present. Her gaze shifted to the sheriff as he stood next to her desk, glowering down.

“Oh, um, good morning, sir.”

“I thought I told you to help Reid get settled.”

“I—I did sir,” Nicole quickly stammered. “I helped her move-in and get set up yesterday.”

The sheriff’s brow furrowed.

“And, um, I missed the place?” she tried, feebly.

Nedley rolled his eyes as he turned back to the front desk. He grabbed a thick stack of paperwork and carried it back to Nicole’s workspace.

“Fine, but only because I need someone to make Lonnie’s reports legible,” the sheriff stated, plainly, dropping the files onto Nicole’s desk.

Nicole groaned.

He turned to walk away, but paused and called over his shoulder, “Just take the damn leave next time Haught.”

With a sigh and a nod, the redhead picked up the pile and brought it closer to her.

Her focus quickly faded from the untidy scrawl in front of her and returned to Waverly.

She really had an ulterior motive for coming back to work early: running into her girlfriend. Nicole desperately wanted to see the brunette; wanted to see how she was holding up, wanted to tell the shorter woman that she wanted to talk...but refused to do it over a phone call or text. In person was the only way to move forward.

Guilt coursed through her veins once again, prickling the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t shake the feeling that it was selfish to want to see Waverly, when she still didn’t trust herself not to hurt her girlfriend again.

\--

Six days after her request for a break, Nicole’s stubbornness was in full effect.

Her body sagged with exhaustion, both physical and emotional, having spent nearly every waking moment at the police station, between working her own shifts and doing everything she could to help Dolls in the BBD office, with the desperate hope of running into Waverly. The redhead went out of her way to stop at Shorty’s yesterday and today, in an attempt to see her girlfriend.

Though she hadn’t seen the shorter woman around Purgatory, she had heard from her. Waverly had sent her one text each day. From the daily words that flashed across her screen, the redhead could tell the brunette’s patience was waning and anxiety was growing.

“Oh my god, you asked for space,” Erin groaned, letting her head fall onto the counter at the island in the kitchen of her home, when Nicole voiced her worry that Waverly was avoiding her.

The redhead had taken up residence on the new deputy’s couch ever since coming over in the middle of the night.

“Text, call, FaceTime, Snapchat, Instagram, even a carrier pigeon or smoke signal would be better than this,” the blonde whined.

“But I still don’t trust myself.”

“Then don’t talk to her yet. You can’t have it both ways.”


	3. Tried to Catch a Glimpse of My Old Life

“What do you mean, you don’t need me here?” Nicole snarled, standing just inside the door to the BBD office. “Everyone else’s presence is required _but me_. Are you trying to cut me out _again_?”

It had been a week since she asked Waverly for a break. Dolls had called an urgent all-staff meeting last evening, only to, bluntly, tell the redhead she didn’t need to be there.

“Haught, I told you,” Dolls responded, clearly unperturbed by the officer’s attitude, “you already know everything we’re reviewing today. I just need everyone else on the same page.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” the redhead spat, the deputy marshal’s calm demeanor only further inciting her outrage.

He sighed, “Nicole, you’re dismissed.”

Her brow furrowed at the use of her first name, but the fight faded from her, as she was sure Dolls intended. Eyebrows still pulled together, she bit the inside of her lip, unsure how to proceed.

“Does Waverly not want me here?”

It broke Nicole’s heart to voice the question aloud, but what other reason was there for this?

She didn’t miss how Dolls’ eyes didn’t quite meet her own as he replied, impatient bravado returning to his voice, “Haught, I said you’re dismissed. Don’t make me tell you twice.”

She watched him turn, retreating to his office. With a sigh of her own, she pivoted too, exiting the office.

As the door clicked shut behind her, she came to a stop, unsure what to do next.

The idea of sitting at her desk, pretending to do paperwork while she really was waiting for her girlfriend to walk by, sounded as appealing as rubbing lemon juice on a wound. 

Cursing to herself, she wished she had kept Erin’s ride-along, to show her around town, scheduled for this morning. Holding out naïve hope that Dolls would change his mind, she begged Nedley to adjust it to this afternoon; now it was too late, the sheriff and Purgatory’s newest officer locked away in his officer reviewing paperwork and protocol for the next few hours.

\--

Nicole spent the next 15 minutes traipsing between the breakroom and the supply room, doing anything she could to avoid being at her desk when the Earp sisters entered the station.

She was sure this was the first time her and Waverly were in the same building since she asked for a break. As much as the redhead longed to speak to her girlfriend, Erin’s words from the previous night echoed in her mind: _You can’t have it both ways._

It was true, as much as her heart pined for the brunette, Nicole didn’t trust herself yet...and still wasn’t able to shake the image of Waverly in Rosita’s arms from her mind.

So the officer paced, threatening to wear the shine off the tile floor from her frantic movements, only returning to her desk when she caught a glimpse of long brunette hair whip around a corner in the direction of the BBD office.

\--

A report in hand and brow furrowed, Nicole pretended to read through an incoherent write-up of Lonnie’s. With her unmoving eyes staring blankly at the page, she strained her ears, desperately trying to catch anything from the BBD office: a word, a scoff, anything.

Shaking her head, Nicole knew it was fruitless and attempted to shift her focus to the messy scrawl on the page. The feeling of rough, calloused skin on the back of her hand caused her to jump.

Her heart raced as her gaze shifted to her left, taking in her colleague, quickly pulling his own hand back.

“What the fuck, Mike?” she yelped, glaring at the older man.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, hands raised halfway in surrender. “I tried to get your attention twice, but I don’t think you heard me.”

Agitated and on edge, she ran a hand through her hair as she impatiently replied, “What do you need?”

“Nothing,” he replied, tone gentle, “I just wanted to see if everything was ok. You seem…off?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she replied, gaze turning back to the report.

A doubtful “hm” reached her ears, and she huffed out a frustrated breath in response.

Still looking at the report, not reading a word, Mike spoke up again, “How about we get some fresh air? Get some coffee down the street?”

“Yeah, sure,” she sighed, irritation fading at the worry clouding the older deputy’s eyes as she stood.

Both officers pulled on jackets, Mike radioing into dispatch that they were leaving the station on foot.

\--

Nicole felt her tension fade with each step, as she put more and more distance between herself and the station.

 _Or as I put more space between myself and Waverly_ , her mind thought slyly.

She shook her head, forcing the toxic thought aside.

Out of the corner of her eye, she caught her colleague turn his head at her movement.

“You sure everything’s ok?” she heard Mike ask.

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

“Oook,” the other officer replied, drawing out that one word as if he didn’t believe her.

The redhead chanced a glance in his direction to see him shove his hands deep into his pockets.

“So, Reid started today?” he asked. “You went to the academy with her right?”

“Yep,” she answered with a nod, grateful for the change in topic.

“What’s she like? I mean, apart from taking down drug lords.”

\--

“And, you won’t believe this,” Nicole laughed as she spoke with her hands. “She told the instructor, and I quote: ‘That’s about the least effective way to go about that.’ At this point, the instructor’s jaw is about on the floor, and there’s this long silent pause, where I swear you could hear all of us blinking. And just when the instructor seemed to come back to, a vein in his temple popping, Erin pushed people aside to get to the mat. She stopped, right in front of him, and told him she’d show him for himself.”

A huge grin spread across her face at the memory, and Mike laughed along. It was the lightest Nicole had felt in weeks, as she shared one of the more comical memories from her and Erin’s academy days. 

“I take it he wasn’t pleased,” Mike chortled.

Nicole chuckled, “Yeah, he _wasn’t_. You know how those old guys can get when their pride is on the line.”

The redhead paused as her mind raced through the memory.

“He was flat on the mat, in about 15 seconds, whining about his back.”

Both deputies snickered again.

Caught up in the recollection, Nicole’s brain didn’t register the individual walking toward them until an achingly familiar smile and wave abruptly snapped her to the present.

“Hey, Waverly!” Mike called, and the redhead saw him shoot a meaningful look in her direction. “Haven’t seen you by the station in a while.”

Not caring about subtly, Nicole elbowed her colleague in the ribs as she glared back, “I’ll meet you back there, Mike.”

“Sorry, Nic,” he grinned, and the taller woman rolled her eyes at his obviously unabashed tone. He tipped his hat, “Don’t be a stranger, Waverly.”

The redhead watched him stride away until shifting her gaze to her girlfriend. The smaller woman took a small, tentative step closer to her.

“Hey.”

Nicole’s insides churned at the unsure tone in Waverly’s voice and, for about the millionth time, she kicked herself for asking for space. Sweat broke out on her hands and back, as nerves, from this unanticipated encounter, filled her.

She watched as Waverly’s hazel eyes longingly took her in and her own eyes searched her girlfriend’s face, afraid of the anger, resentment, and impatience she may find there.

But her heart skipped a beat when she saw those wide hazel eyes were filled with love…and perhaps a little fatigue.

A small shake of the brunette’s head, as though she was trying to flick away a fly, brought the officer back to the present.

“Hi…um, how are you?”

Nicole knew she wouldn’t be able to shake the jitters that coursed through her veins because, as much as she wanted to see her girlfriend in person so they could talk, deep down the deputy still didn’t trust herself not to hurt Waverly…again.

“I’m ok. You?” Waverly replied.

The officer’s ears perked at the smaller woman’s tone that was chock-full of false cheer. Nicole bit the inside of her mouth to stop herself from asking how Waverly _really_ was doing, unsure if it was her place to push the brunette anymore.

The officer rubbed the back of her neck as she replied, hoping the younger woman would see through her own answer too, “About the same.”

The ensuing silence paralyzed Nicole, as guilt crept back into her bones.

She opened her mouth a half-thought-out apology for not answering the texts with an explanation, in the form of Erin’s move to town, on the tip of her tongue.

“Are you doing anything tonight?” her girlfriend interjected.

The brunette’s cheeks flushed as she continued, “I mean, if you’re not ready, it’s ok and I understand, but I’m working at Shorty’s until 7, could we maybe catch up later?”

Nicole felt a blush of her own build on her face, knowing she had promised to help Erin put together some furniture tonight. Tomorrow, they were going to go mattress shopping, because the blonde didn’t bring hers in the move and had been sleeping on an air mattress since her arrival to town.

Erin’s voice echoed through her mind: _You can’t have it both ways._

“I would _really_ like to, but I’m kinda busy the next few days,” Nicole replied sheepishly, as she shifted uncomfortably. “Can we get coffee next week?”

The redhead saw the disappointment etched on her girlfriend’s face as she responded with an “oh.”

All it took was that one, disheartened word for the steel band to wrap its way back around Nicole’s lungs.

She vaguely heard Waverly continue, “What are you doing?”

The band tightened as Nicole realized there was no simple, easy way to explain that Erin’s here when she’s barely mentioned her old roommate to Waverly. Her free hand went to her belt, and she gripped it tightly, feeling the strain in her knuckles.

Instead, she deflected with vague excuses, that aren’t _really_ lies but aren’t the full truth either. The way the younger woman’s eyes narrowed as she fumbled through excuses make it clear that her girlfriend saw right through her bumbling speech.

With a weak laugh, Waverly replied, “Do you, like, have a date?”

“No!” Nicole replied, too quickly, her eyes wide in disbelief.

She watched as hazel eyes stretched too, as her girlfriend stammered, “You do, don’t you?”

A whirlwind of emotions, both unrelated and related to the situation at hand, rose in Nicole: worry about how Erin was handling the move on top of the catastrophic events that led her to Purgatory, pressure from Nedley to orient her friend, exhaustion from spending any spare moment she had in the BBD office with Dolls in tandem with failing to get a full night’s rest from sleeping on Erin’s couch, and the, ever-present, lack of trust in herself to be the partner her girlfriend deserved.

And on top of all, it hurt. _Hurt_ from Waverly’s betrayal. And that hurt fed into fear that her own misguided actions pushed her girlfriend into Rosita’s arms.

The storm of feelings and angst boiled over as Nicole recoiled, “ _God Waverly_. If that’s what you really think I’m doing then maybe we don’t need to talk.”

Her girlfriend glared at her, “What does that mean?”

Nicole took another, small step back, shaking her head, “You cheated, but I’m the one who shouldn’t be trusted?”

Her eyes filled with tears at that notion, as she mentally shrugged aside the irony that she didn’t even trust herself; how could she expect her girlfriend to? 

A small, barely audible, rational part of her brain knew the shorter woman had no way of knowing all that was coursing through her. But the idea that Waverly thought, of all things, she would be unfaithful was too much.

“You never said you weren’t seeing anyone during this ‘ _break_ ,’” the shorter woman sniped, using air quotes around the last word.

Nicole wasn’t sure if it was her imagination or not, but a snap echoed near her ears. As if it was confirmation that whatever she had with Waverly, whatever it was that felt broken, was genuinely broken beyond repair.

The taller woman’s fingers tightened their hold on her belt as if the action would help to ground her. Nicole felt her bottom lip tremble, and she quickly bit it to still the tremor.

“I guess it’s too much to assume that I wouldn’t when I’ve _never_ cheated on you,” the officer retorted, the bite and snarl in her own tone catching her off guard, as she deflected away her own role in this mess.

She watched tears fill the brunette’s eyes, but she couldn’t rein in her emotions as she continued, “But no, I get it. I assumed when we decided to be together that it meant we wouldn’t kiss other people but look at how that turned out.”

Her girlfriend’s eyes closed, and she visibly swallowed before replying, “Ok, how much longer are we going to be on this ‘break’?”

Waverly paused only to add air quotes around ‘break’ and continued, “Because if you don’t want to be with me, then do it already. Don’t leave me in relationship-purgatory. It’s bad enough being in one, I can’t do two.”

Nicole turned toward the station and heard herself mutter, “I can’t do this right now.”

She heard her girlfriend cry hysterically, “Ok, go! Leave me dangling some more!”

Tears spilled from the redhead’s eyes as she turned on her heel back toward Waverly. Her throat thick as she choked, “Fine, we’re done.”

Turning quickly back toward the station, Nicole hurried to put as much space between herself and the younger woman as possible.

\--

Nicole practically ran into her house, shaky hands fumbling with the key, as she tried, and failed, to keep tears at bay until she made it inside.

The redhead had returned to the station, just long enough to clear the tear tracks from her eyes in the bathroom and tell the sheriff she wasn’t feeling well, before bolting to her truck. Automatically, she drove to Erin’s house, forgetting her friend wasn’t there until she turned into the driveway. Though she had a key, it felt wrong being in the new deputy’s home without her, so she drove to her own house. 

Stumbling inside, vision cloudy, she kicked her boots off before feeling her way to her couch and collapsing onto it, pulling Waverly’s blanket around her as she broke down.

Traces of wildflowers barely lingered in the fabric, and the officer pressed the fibers deeper into her face, knowing that it may be one of the last time she will ever breathe in the calming aroma that hung around Waverly.

 _Waverly_.

Who she had left in the middle of Main Street after breaking up with her.

Her throat tightened at the image of hurt, devastation, confusion, and anguish that marred the brunette’s beautiful face.

And it was all her fault.

Her sobs surged, and her body shook as the flashback replayed in her mind.

\--

An impatient rapping on her door pulled Nicole from her fog of grief.

She twisted toward the door, red-rimmed eyes wide in disbelief.

 _Waverly_.

She threw the blanket aside carelessly. 

“Nic! I know you’re in there! Open up before I break down this damn door,” Erin called.

Nicole immediately stilled at the unknown tone in her friend’s voice. Her eyebrows furrowed together slightly, as she got to her feet, running a hand through her disheveled hair.

The knocking stopped, just as she reached the door.

“Dammit, Nicole.”

The redhead paused again, tilting her head slightly to the said as she finally placed the, never before heard, strain her in friend’s voice: fear.

Her arm darted out pulling the door open.

Before she could open it enough to see her friend, the door was carelessly pushed aside, and arms tightly wrapped around her.

“Dammit, Nic,” the blonde breathed, “You scared me.”

“What?” was the only response the taller woman’s confused brain could muster.

She felt warm arms pull away from her before her muddled mind processed that Erin had stepped back slightly.

“Can I come in?”

Nicole nodded, backing up to allow her friend to cross the threshold. The redhead made her way back to the couch, gesturing to the armchair for her friend.

“Nedley told me you left sick and asked me to check on you. I went home, and you weren’t there…” the blonde trailed off, as she sat on the edge of the chair.

Nicole’s insides twisted uncomfortably, and she unconsciously pulled Waverly’s blanket around her again, using the faint traces of wildflowers to ground her.

The redhead heard her friend clear her throat before continuing gently, “You weren’t answering your phone either. So, what happened?”

Avoiding the question, the taller woman patted her pockets searching for the device.

“I don’t know where my phone is…”

“In the cup holder of your truck,” Erin replied, impatiently. “I saw it on my way to the door. Don’t deflect…you can’t get away with it with me.”

Nicole glanced over at her friend, noting how the small smirk playing on her lips failed to hide the worry from her steel blue eyes.

With a sigh, the redhead finally admitted, “I ran into Waverly.”

“I take it that it went well,” the blonde quipped.

“Shut up,” Nicole hissed, on her feet before she realized it.

“Whoa, Nic,” Erin soothed, hands up in a placating gesture. “I’m sorry.”

Nicole ran her hand from the top of her nose to her forehead, pushing firmly to lessen the building tension as she sat back in her spot. Her gaze lowered to the blanket, still wrapped around her, fingers idly playing with a loose string as she contemplated what to say.

She felt the couch dip slightly and tore her eyes up to see Erin perched in front of her, steel blue eyes wide with concern.

“Nic, it’s fixable.”

In any other situation, she may have been impressed by her friend’s astute assumption as to what happened. But now, knowing that Erin likely knew what happened before she had voiced the words aloud, to anyone, felt unbearable. Her shoulders sagged as tears welled in her eyes.

“We broke up,” Nicole admitted, her voice cracking on the last word as she collapsed into the blonde.

Strong arms wrapped around her, muttering words that were incoherent over the sound of her own sobs and ragged breathing.

Minutes passed, and the redhead gasped for air, trying to regain control when a few of Erin’s words found her ears.

“It’s not over…not yet.”

 _But that’s only true if Waverly could find it in her heart to give her another chance_ , Nicole thought, _…and how could she after today?_

With a wail, Nicole broke again.

\--

“What do I do next?” the redhead asked, timidly, leaning against the back of the couch.

She had just finished recounting the entire encounter with Waverly for her friend.

Erin was quiet as usual, elbow on her knee and chin resting between her thumb and pointer finger as she was curled up on the couch next to the redhead. Steel blues were fixated on her, seemingly analyzing every breath.

But the lengthy lull put Nicole on edge, worrying that the blonde was about to deliver words she knew the redhead wouldn’t want to hear.

“Go find her, work it out,” Erin stated plainly, finally breaking the silence. 

“What if she doesn’t want to see me?” the taller woman muttered, wrapping her finger around the loose thread again.

“What if she does?”

The redhead twisted uncomfortably, avoiding the resolute gaze she knew was still fixated on her.

With the movement, her eyes caught a blur of red pass through a gap in her curtains. Turning her head toward the window, Nicole closed her eyes and shook her head, sure her mind was playing tricks on her. When she slowly opened them again, she saw the unmistakable profile of a red Jeep Wrangler.

“Waves…” she breathed, scrambling to her feet.

Nicole bolted to the door, opening it hastily.

Before she made it across the threshold, she heard tires squeal on the pavement. Abandoning the blanket in the doorway, she sprinted after the Jeep, screaming Waverly’s name until her lungs burned. Her mind pleaded with the brunette to look in the rearview mirror and stop.

She ran through a stitch in her side, not caring that she had worn through the socks on her feet, continuing even after the Jeep was out of sight.

“No...no…no…it’s not over,” she panted to no one before she slumped to the pavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still new to all this, so please don't hesitate to send all your feedback my way. I really do value and appreciate it all. Thanks for following along!


	4. But Your Face Was All I Saw

“So, which one of these do you rest your beautiful head on each night?” Erin drawled, her hand trailing along the fabric of a mattress as she walked by.

The saleswoman’s face flushed, “None of them actually.”

The blonde clicked her tongue, “Work at a mattress store and don’t even use one of these yourself, you're not really selling me on these.”

“I used to have this one,” the saleswoman grabbed Erin by the hand and pulled her to one tucked in the corner of the store. “But I moved in with my boyfriend and sold it…worst decision I _ever_ made.”

Nicole, lying on a mattress two rows over, groaned.

“Hmm the boyfriend, right?” the new deputy smirked.

“I’ll leave that up to your imagination….”

“Sold! But, you know, I will need some help breaking it in…”

Nicole rolled her eyes, muttering, “You didn’t even see if _you_ like it.”

“Nic, you know as well as I do that, as adults, sometimes an uncomfortable mattress isn’t what keeps us up at night,” her friend called.

Though Erin’s tone was dripping with flirtation, directed at the saleswoman, Nicole heard the dark undertone to the statement. Sighing, she did know all too well the demons that could keep one up at night: anxiety, frustration, regret, remorse, despair, heartbreak…

But she doubted the saleswoman, who apparently decided her biggest regret was giving up a _mattress_ for a boyfriend would understand that.

Her friend’s voice pulled her from her musing.

“Nic, which one do you like for the guest room?”

“Well that one,” the redhead pointed across the room, "is good because a lot of people will like it. It’s not too hard, not to soft and reasonably priced.”

It was Erin’s turn to roll her eyes, “But you’ve laid on that one for the last 10 minutes.”

Nicole felt a warmth climb from her jaw to cheekbones.

“I like this one, but I don’t think everyone would…and it’s a little much for something you’re not using often.”

Erin rolled her eyes again, turning to the salesperson, “That one too.”

“But—”

Erin interjected with a shrug, “You’ll probably be the only one using it.”

Thirty minutes later the two left the store with delivery set up for the next day and a new contact in Erin’s phone. Nicole idly kicked at loose stones as she trailed behind her friend as they traipsed back to the blonde’s Jeep.

“Ow! What the fuck?”

A particularly violent boot sent a rock into the back of her friend’s calf.

“Shit, sorry,” the redhead mumbled, shoving her hands deep into her pockets.

“Dude, you only have one more night on the couch, I thought you’d be happy. What’s wrong?” Erin inquired, eyebrow quirked as she came to a stop, across the street from the diner.

Frustration coiled inside the redhead, like a snake ready to strike.

“What’s wrong?! What’s WRONG?!” Nicole blurted out, stopping too.

But her feet couldn’t stay idle for long, not with the emotions coursing through her veins and blood pounding in her ears. Instead, she paced back and forth in front of her friend.

“Everything’s WRONG,” the redhead bellowed, throwing her arms up in the air, speech becoming quicker and quicker, “Lonnie can _never_ use the right forms at work. Waverly and I broke up and I haven’t heard _a thing_ from her since. CJ is avoiding me and likes _you_ better than me. Dolls doesn’t let me help with _anything_ anymore. I want to apologize to Waverly, but I don’t know _how,_ and I doubt she’d even want to hear from _me_.”

Nicole took a deep breath before continuing, pointing a frustrated finger at her friend, “And you!”

“Me?” the blonde smirked.

“You just got to town, and even though you’ve been through all this shit everything’s been about me. And—and you must think I’m a goddamn mess!”

The redhead forced herself to still, looking back at her friend.

“Oh. My. God. If you don’t stop smirking at me, I’m _really_ going to lose it,” the taller woman snarled, feeling hot tears slip out of her eyes.

“You haven’t already?” the blonde asked, still smirking, closing the distance between the two of them to wipe away some tears. “I’d hate to see what you looked like if you bottled up your emotions.”

The joke lessened some of the tension within Nicole, and she laughed. The redhead wrapped her arms securely around her friend and murmured, “I missed you, and I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t think I could get through this without you.”

Her friend didn't move, but allowed Nicole to lean into the soothing embrace for as long as she needed. When the taller woman finally stepped back, Erin reached up to wipe away fresh tears before speaking.

"I know you're going through a lot, and it sucks, but this isn't permanent. If you want the girl, _go get her_."

"But I don't trust—"

"Yourself," Erin interjected warily. "I know, I've heard. But..."

"But?"

"But..."

Nicole's eyes followed the blonde's sightline over her shoulder, watching the shorter woman's brow furrow slightly, for the briefest of moments.

Erin sighed, "Never mind. C'mon, let's go home."

Nicole allowed her friend to wrap an arm around her waist and pull her down the street toward the Jeep.

\--

_I want your red blushing stories, your faults and your glories, that made you who you are right now…_

Nicole stared out the window, failing to take in the scenery that passed by. Instead, she absentmindedly sang along to the radio.

The song changed, recognizing the opening notes, she sang along in a whisper. The words, frequently played in her ears, familiar on her lips. Her voice broke and silent sobs overtook her. 

_You got my number you can call on me_

_If you're in trouble put the fall on me_

_When you're mad you can take it out on me_

_When it don't add up you can count on me_

_When you're low come get high on me_

_Make it slow take your time on me_

_Said let, let it out_

_Come and lay on me_

_When it gets heavy put the weight on me_

_Baby put it all on me_

_Put it all on me..._

A hand roughly punched the volume button, cutting off the music mid-song, pulled her from her thoughts.

“Hey! I was listening to that!” she protested, head whipping in the direction of the driver.

“Hey! You’re drowning your sorrows in shitty, unrealistic music!”

Nicole’s brow furrowed as she wiped away the tears trailing down her face, taking in their surroundings for the first time in a while.

“Um, where are we?” the redhead questioned, still trying to place their location.

She was supposed to be showing the new deputy around Purgatory, making up for leaving early the day she broke up with Waverly. Sitting in the passenger seat of her own cruiser, after Erin insisted on driving, Nicole shook her head unconsciously, as she realized they were on the road that ran past the homestead.

The new deputy shrugged, pulling the cruiser off to the side of the road, “No clue. I asked you where to go next about 10 minutes ago, but you didn’t answer, so I’ve been making random turns, waiting for you to come back to earth.”

“You do know where we are, right?” the blonde asked, mockingly.

“Yes,” Nicole sighed.

She felt steel blue eyes gazing at her intently.

“Why are you listening to that crap anyway?”

The taller woman startled, turning toward her friend, “What do you mean?”

“I mean…I thought you were all about that _real_ country,” Erin replied. “Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn, y’know the stuff you tortured me with at the academy.”

“That was real country…”

The blonde scoffed, “Man, you must have it bad…what else have you been listening to?”

Before Nicole could respond, the other woman swiped her phone from the cup holder in-between them.

“It’s locked,” the redhead replied comfortably, a small grin stretching across her face.

She watched as steel blue eyes locked on her own, Erin’s head cocked slightly to the side. The taller woman pushed out an impatient breath, knowing the blonde was up to her usual analysis.

“If I didn’t know how anal you are about security, I’d say it’s Waverly’s birthday…”

The smile on Nicole’s face grew, knowing the shorter woman was wrong.

“…but that’s too easy to find on social media... _but_ you’re sentimental, so it’ll be something significant…”

The corner of Nicole’s lips fell, brow furrowed as she saw a shit-eating grin spread across her friend’s face. The redhead watched as Erin quickly typed four digits. A groan escaped her lips as the blonde turned the phone, now unlocked, in her direction.

“How did you know?” the taller woman grumbled, perturbed that her friend knew her passcode was their academy graduation date.

“I know you,” Erin replied tone matter-of-fact as her thumb navigating to the music app on the phone.

Nicole heard a groan from her left, as the blonde scrolled through the recently played, taking in some of the songs.

“So, this first one, that’s the one you were just singing right?” Erin asked, leaning over to point at ‘All on Me’ by Devin Dawson.

“…yes…” Nicole sheepishly admitted.

“Hmm…”

“Hm, what?” the redhead testily responded.

The shorter woman didn’t look up, but continued to scroll through the songs, when she spoke, “I’m no relationship expert…you know that as well as anyone…but that song, it’s not healthy. Isn’t attempting to carry the weight of Waverly’s problems what got you in trouble with the DNA results?”

Nicole shifted uncomfortably, her lungs tightening in pain.

There was an unmistakable gentleness in Erin’s tone when her friend spoke again.

“You’re human too…you can’t take all the weight no matter how much you may want to. Too much will take you down too, no matter how much you love each other.”

Nicole felt tears building at the corner of her eyes. Blinking furiously to prevent them from falling, she stared at the floor as she processed her friend’s words.

The silence felt deafening in the small cruiser, and the redhead hoped Erin would let this go. Just pull back onto the road and leave this conversation on the side of the road.

But, as if knowing that’s what she desperately wanted, the blonde just waited there, patiently, for her response.

Sighing, Nicole finally broke the silence, her voice cracking, “It doesn’t matter anyway, we broke up…and I don’t trust myself to be the partner she deserves, because…because Waverly should have the _world_.”

Tears leaked from her eyes and she didn’t bother to wipe them away, knowing they would likely be the first of many. What was the use anymore?

The redhead heard a sigh to her left.

“Nic, listen to me.”

In spite of the resolute note in her voice, Erin’s tone was warm and delicate. At the feeling of a soft hand on wrist, the redhead turned her head and forced her eyes to meet her friend’s; steel blue eyes, bluer than usual, slightly narrowed. 

“You might not like what I’m about to say, but I need you to promise me you’ll hear me out and…at least consider it.”

Hesitancy filled Nicole as she was apprehensive about where this was going. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and nodded.

“You don’t trust yourself? I’m calling _bullshit_ on that. You and I both know you would crawl from one end of this earth to the other on broken glass before you intentionally hurt Waverly. Yes, you made a mistake, but that doesn’t define you, as a person or as a partner, unless you let it.”

The blonde sighed, before continuing, tone impossibly softer than before, “This whole ‘not trusting yourself’ excuse is a way of deflecting, guarding yourself because deep down you’re scared to death of what will happen next because Waverly is your whole world.”

“But she deserves—”

“YOU,” Erin interjected, rubbing her thumb gently across the inside of the taller woman’s wrist. “She deserves _you_. Nic, you are kind, caring, thoughtful, loyal…humble, in spite of that stubborn confidence that sometimes oozes from you…”

A grin grew on Nicole’s face at the small jab.

“…and anyone would be _lucky_ to be in a relationship with someone half as extraordinary as you.”

Heat rose in the taller woman’s cheeks at the compliment. She felt her friend pull her hand back and nervously rub her forehead.

“You’re right,” Nicole breathed, hearing an instant sigh of relief from the woman next to her. “I don’t know about that last part…but you’re right that I’m scared…terrified actually.”

“I know,” the blonde soothed and reached for the taller woman’s wrist again. “And that’s ok. It’ll take time. But…”

“But?” the redhead questioned apprehensively.

Erin sighed again, “You don’t have to answer this, and you may not even know yet…but can you trust Waverly again after what she did? Because if you can’t…all of this is irrelevant.”

Nicole’s eyes drifted, unconsciously, in the direction of the homestead, taking in the expanse between her and Waverly. Slowly she nodded.

“Even if she can’t offer a definitive rationale for why she did it?”

Brown eyes shifted back to her friend, as she nodded again.

“I _do_ trust her.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to imagine Nicole’s that person that gets endless shit from people (and maybe Waverly) because she only listens to catchy, “horrible” music. "The Long Way" by Brett Eldrege was the first song on the radio. 
> 
> Full list of Nicole's “recently played” list from this chapter, here you go: 
> 
> All on Me - Devin Dawson  
> Better as a Memory – Kenny Chesney  
> Don’t Make Me - Blake Shelton  
> Do I Make You Wanna – Billy Currington  
> Every Little Thing - Carly Pearce  
> I See You – Luke Bryan  
> If I didn’t have you – Thompson Square  
> Keep it to Yourself – Kacey Musgraves  
> Need You Know – Lady Antebellum  
> Scare Me - Kenny Chesney  
> Stay a Little Longer - Brothers Osbourne  
> The Long Way - Brett Eldrege  
> The Truth – Jason Aldean  
> What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts  
> You Had Me from Hello – Kenny Chesney


	5. Blue Eyes Staring Through Me

Blinking away sleep, Nicole fumbled for her buzzing phone, answering the call without glancing at the screen.

“Haught speaking,” she mumbled sleepily.

“Heyyy, Nic.”

Hastily sitting upright at the sound of her friend’s voice, the redhead pulled her phone away from her ear to glance at the screen.

“Erin?”

“Yesss,” her friend slurred.

“Why are you drunk at…” the taller woman trailed off as she looked at the clock on the nightstand, “…shit, not even 9 a.m.? ”

“Looong story. The more pressing question is, can you come get me?”

Swinging her legs out of bed, Nicole sighed, “Where are you?”

“Um…I’ll text you the address.”

The redhead paused, one leg into a pair of sweatpants, “That’s not suspicious at all…are you ok?”

“Yes! I’m fine…I just shouldn’t drive.”

Nicole snorted, “Yeah, I can tell…I’ll be there soon, don’t drink anymore.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

A beep indicated her friend had hung up. Tossing her phone on the bed, the officer finished pulling on the sweatpants, not bothering to take off the basketball shorts she slept in and pulled on a hoodie. After quickly brushing her teeth, she grabbed her phone again, clicking on Erin’s message to see where she needed to go.

Brow furrowed, she muttered to herself, “Why is this familiar?”

\--

Thirty minutes later, Nicole groaned as she approached her destination and saw Erin’s yellow Jeep parked under the Pussy Willows sign.

She parked next to her friend’s SUV and hurried into the club, desperate to get out of here as quickly as possible.

Once inside, her eyes slowly adjusted to the dim interior. Another groan escaped her lips as she saw her friend at the bar, not alone.

“Nic!” Erin exclaimed, waving the redhead over. She elbowed the woman next to her as she added, “I told you she’d come get us!”

“That’s only because you didn’t tell her I was here,” the second woman huffed.

“What are the two of you doing here...together?” Nicole questioned her friend warily, as she approached.

Unfortunately, the second woman answered.

“My baby sister was just so mind-numbingly cheerful after a night banging you, I figured I’d give ladies another go,” Wynonna smirked, slightly uneasy on her stool. “But blondie here is apparently an exception to the rule.”

Erin turned toward the Earp and questioned, “What rule?”

“That blondes have all the fun.”

A wide grin expanded on Erin’s face as she teased, “Oh Wynonna, I am sooo much _fun_ that I would blow your mind…and I didn’t take the poor attempt at seduction to get out of your public urination citation a serious offer to _have fun_.”

The Earp winked, “It was totally serious—”

“Ok, nope, don’t need to hear anymore,” Nicole interjected.

Both women whined at her.

“Aw, c’mon Nic.”

“You’re just jealous, Haught.”

The redhead rolled her eyes, forcing back the smile that threatened to spread across her face at the sight of her her two friends getting along so well.

“Did you two want a ride or not?”

Both women frantically drained their beers before stumbling to their feet.

Once outside, Wynonna lagged behind the two deputies.

“Hey Nic,” Erin whispered, glancing back to make sure the Earp couldn’t hear.

“What?”

“Why does Wynonna keep telling me to call her ‘the heir’?”

The redhead choked on air but was saved answering by a shout from behind.

“Haught, can you take me to the station?”

Eyebrow quirked, Nicole turned and called back, “You don’t want to go to the homestead?”

The heir visibly shuttered at the suggestion, “No, Waverly’s there.”

“And that’s bad?” the redhead inquired.

“It is when she’s moping around non-stop."

The officer’s stomach twisted uncomfortably, as Wynonna closed the gap between them. 

“I’m sorry, Wynonna,” Nicole mumbled.

The Earp clapped her shoulder, “Don’t apologize, just make it right…SHOTGUN!”

Erin grumbled as Wynonna sprinted toward the redhead’s truck.

Only after everyone climbed in and Nicole started the truck, letting it idle while it warmed up, did the taller deputy turn back to Wynonna.

The redhead turned to face the Earp as she questioned, “’Make it right’ is all you have to say? No ‘how dare you hurt my sister!’ Or ‘don’t you remember I have a bigass gun?’”

The brunette turned, blue eyes narrowed, as she spoke slowly, “What good would that do, Haught? You know you hurt her and, if I know you, you’re beating yourself up over it.” The heir paused to shrug, “Me yelling at you, protecting Waverly’s honor, would only torment you more, am-I-right?”

Nicole considered the Earp’s words and nodded slowly, eyes guiltily shifting to the middle of the bench seat in between them.

“But I hurt her.”

The confession slipped from her lips before her brain could consider holding the words back. 

She heard Wynonna sigh as a hand squeezed her bicep.

“And she hurt you too, Nicole…But that doesn’t mean you throw it all away. The love the two of you have it’s…undeniable and it’s uncomplicated.”

The redhead looked up, eyebrow quirked, “This ain’t complicated?”

Wynonna chuckled, “No it is, but only because you two idiots made it complicated...I see the way you two love-struck puppies look at each other and the innate adoration that’s there.”

The deputy was sure uncertainty filled her face when Wynonna broke the silence once again, “Just know this Nicole, you’ll always have my vote of confidence when it comes to Waverly. I always hoped that my baby girl would find someone in this sorry-ass town that treated her well…and you, Haught, are better for her than I could have ever dreamed.”

“Didn’t know _the heir_ could be such a sap,” Erin’s voice carried from the backseat.

Wynonna’s eyes didn’t leave Nicole’s as she quipped, “Can it blondie! I don’t know where you’re from but I’m the one who ruins the mushy moments around here.”

A smile spread across the heir’s face, as she added, “I mean it, Nicole.”

And with one final squeeze of her arm, Wynonna twisted back in her seat to face the windshield.

“So, we goin’ or what, Haught? Jeeze, I never knew you wanted to spend so much time in a strip club parking lot,” Wynonna added, mock impatience filling her tone.

\--

“Wynonna and I might get drinks tomorrow, want to join us after your shift?”

Nicole choked on the gulp of water that had just passed her lips.

Pushing the liquid down, the redhead managed to gasp, “What?”

A sneaky smile grew on Erin’s face.

The pair stood in the new deputy’s kitchen waiting for the oven to preheat.

“ _The heir_ ,” the shorter woman smirked, “has requested our presence at the local tavern…who am to decline an invitation from such _royalty_.”

Forcing a laugh, the taller woman turned toward the window, shielding her apprehensive face from the blonde’s scrutinizing gaze.

“So, are you in?"

“Umm…is, um, Waverly going to be there?” Nicole inquired, back still turned, grimacing at how much she sounded like a lost puppy in asking the question.

The redhead rolled her eyes at herself, realizing she basically was one at this point.

“I don’t know, does it matter?” the shorter woman answered.

A ping from the blonde’s phone saved Nicole from answering.

“Ah, speak of the _heir_ ,” Erin added, looking at her phone. “Actually, no-go for tomorrow.”

“Since when do you and Wynonna text?” the redhead mumbled mutinously.

The taller woman turned to see steel blue eyes peering at her, over the device in her hand. The shorter woman’s brow furrowed slightly in contemplation.

Nicole blinked, and the expression on the blonde’s face vanished as quickly as it appeared.

“Plan B! _We’re_ going out. Just you and I,” Erin continued. “You need outta the house anyway.”

“No, um, I’d rather stay in.”

“Rather be here where you won’t run into Waverly?” Erin questioned, slyly. 

“No…I wouldn’t mind running into her…” Nicole trailed off.

Erin plopped onto a barstool as she replied, “Oh really? That’s news to me.”

Nicole rubbed the back of her neck, hesitancy clouded her tone as she answered slowly, “Yeah, um, I, um, miss her…”

The blonde rolled her eyes, “You’ve missed her this whole time.”

“Yeah…but I think I’m ready to see her…if she, um, wants to see me.”

Erin rolled her eyes again, “Ok good. So, what are you going to say to her?”

Rubbing her forehead as she weighed her next words, Nicole answered, “Yeah, that’s where I’m stuck…I mean, I broke up with her, how could I possibly tell Waverly that I still want to be with her and love her without coming off like a total ass…”


	6. Knowing There's No Turning Back, Knowing I don't Want To

“C’mon Haught, your shift ended 15 minutes ago, git outta here.”

Nicole groaned, turning toward the sheriff as he stood next to her desk.

“I _really_ want to catch up on paperwork,” she lied. “I’m behind from helpin’ to train Reid.”

“Hmpf, it’ll be here tomorrow. Now go,” Nedley stated plainly, leaving no room for argument.

\--

A half hour later, the redhead stood outside the doors to Shorty’s inhaling deeply, hoping to steady her rapid pulse.

Only a few minutes before, Nicole moved as slowly as she could, changing into street clothes at the police station before making the short walk to the saloon to meet her friend.

She ran a shaky hand through her hair, grimacing at her sweaty palms. Hastily wiping her hands on her jeans, the redhead took one more steadying breath before pulling the heavy doors open. 

\--

The officer hesitantly lowered herself onto her own couch, settling into one end and reluctantly leaning against an armrest.

It was the first time she had sat on that particular piece of furniture, or even been in her own home, since the day she broke up with Waverly. It felt…ominous…to be back here with the younger woman cheerfully humming from the kitchen while she uncorked a bottle of wine. 

Waverly’s words from before dinner echoed in her mind: _I’ll be here, with you, as long as you want me to be. I know we need to talk about…a lot, but…I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness or your trust back. I’m only going to ask for a chance—a chance to earn it…but whatever happens, if anything, Nicole, it’s all at your pace, your comfort._

Nicole knew she should be comforted by the fact that Waverly was in her presence and home again; instead, her insides twisted with guilt.

The smell of wildflowers and freshly fallen rain hit her nostrils, and she inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent as if it was as vital to life as oxygen. Waverly rounded the couch, a glass of wine in each hand. The shorter woman handed one to Nicole before seating herself at the opposite side of the sofa.

As the brunette sipped her wine, Nicole felt her resolve crumbling in the presence of the woman she missed so terribly.

“Can I say something first?” she heard herself ask.

Waverly replied immediately, “Of course.”

Twirling her turquoise ring around her finger, the redhead watched as the younger woman set her glass on the coffee table and met her gaze.

Nicole didn’t know what she was going to say, but heard more words tumble from her mouth, “I…um…I’m glad we’re talking, and I’m glad you’re here, but…”

Horror marred the features of the beautiful woman across from her. Cursing herself, Nicole quickly closed the gap between them, scooting across the couch, and stretching a hand, palm up, to the brunette.

“Sorry, don’t worry, this isn’t about you,” Nicole attempted to clarify, hoping the younger woman would give her a chance to explain.

A small, warm hand quickly connected with her own; Waverly’s fingers immediately entwining with hers. 

Hazel eyes fixated on their linked hands as Waverly softly asked, “But what?”

Nicole felt her lungs freeze at the question.

“But I still don’t trust myself.”

The redhead mentally cursed herself again. That wasn’t what she wanted to say, but her panicked brain couldn’t admit how terrified she truly was to—

“You don’t trust yourself…to?”

Waverly’s question derailed her antagonizing thoughts.

Shifting her fingers to pull away, fear bubbled in the officer’s chest. But the smaller woman’s hand held her own tighter.

Breathing deeper, using the soothing circles that the brunette was rubbing on the back of her hand to steady herself, Nicole answered, “In…in my letter, I told you I don’t trust myself to…umm…”

Her gaze fell to the side as she didn’t know how to continue.

She felt, rather than saw, Waverly inching closer until their knees touched. A small hand cupped her jawline and gently turned her head until her eyes locked on hazel ones.

“I trust you. I know you’ll never do something like that again.”

The rest of the room faded as the redhead focused on the woman in front of her, raking the smaller woman’s features for any sign of insincerity.

“You’re too hard on yourself, Nic,” Waverly continued softly. “You’re… the _best_. You said that I deserve better, but no one can anyone top the kindest, most caring and trustworthy person I’ve ever met. This doesn’t change that.”

Inhaling again, Nicole’s eyes closed as she finally allowed herself to lean into the comforting touch of Waverly’s hand on her cheek.

\--

“You know how you said I scared you, the first time we kissed?”

“Oh my god,” Waverly groaned as she clapped a hand to her forehead. “That was embarrassing.”

“That was endearing,” Nicole gently corrected, as she reached for Waverly’s hand, naturally entwining their fingers.

“You know, I was kind of…actually, a lot…scared after we broke up,” the redhead admitted, with a sigh.

“I was too.”

The older woman paused, wondering how to best approach the topic on her mind.

“…Do you really want to try geoduck?”

“Ugh, no,” Waverly groaned. “I don’t know what I was thinking...I mean I know it’s not really a—a…you know…but just the idea of putting something in that shape in my mouth aga—”

“Noooo,” it was Nicole’s turn to groan. “Don’t want to hear it.”

The redhead saw a small smirk play on the shorter woman’s face, as her eyes crinkled adorably. In spite of the nauseating mental image that just crossed her mind, she felt the corner of her own lips tug upward.

“What’s the matter, officer?”

“You’re kinda really cute and I want to kiss you, but…”

“But?”

“But…you just filled my mind with images of Champ’s pe—”

The officer was cut off by soft lips meeting her own. A smile spread across her face as she returned the kiss, with one last thought lingering in her brain: _geoduck is out_.

\--

“So, are you two back together yet?”

Nicole tore her eyes off the road long enough to glare at her friend, comfortably seated in the passenger seat of her cruiser.

“We’ve been through this, Waverly and I aren’t rushin’ back into it,” the redhead fumed.

“Hmm…” her friend hummed skeptically.

“What?”

The silence was deafening, and she could practically feel the blonde’s smirk from across the vehicle.

“What?” the taller woman repeated, pulling the cruiser into a parking spot outside the diner.

“Something tells me you’re holding back…waiting…are you still scared?”

“A little...” Nicole admitted, “…but not scared of what you think I am…”

The redhead twisted in her seat to see gray-blue eyes narrowed in confusion.

Biting the inside of her lip, the taller woman unbuckled her seatbelt.

It was only once she was free of the restraint did she answer, choosing her words carefully, “I want to be with Waves…”

“No shit,” the blonde interjected.

“No…c’mon, we’re not going to the diner.”

“But it’s lunch-time,” the shorter woman whined. “Where are we going?”

“The jeweler.” 

\--

When their weekend getaway finally arrived, Nicole wasn’t sure which she was more worried about: Waverly finding the small box in her bag or overcoming her fear of snakes.

But her nerves calmed when she saw the pure joy on Waverly’s face as they plummeted back to earth from 15,000 feet above.

And she used that image throughout the weekend to compose herself when she felt her heart rate quicken and her palms start to sweat.

The last morning of their trip, as they hiked to a local observation point to watch the sunrise, that image played on a loop in her mind’s eye, alongside other moments that she knew would never fade from her memory: her first visit to Shorty’s, their first kiss in Nedley’s office, the look in Waverly’s eyes before their first time, wrapping her arms around the brunette in her arms after she had been possessed, walking back to the cruiser after Waverly crossed the boundary for the first time with baby Alice cradled in her arms.

When they reached their destination, Nicole spread a blanket on the ground. The pair cuddled close in the middle, for warmth, sharing a thermos of coffee and muffins.

As the sun crested the horizon, the light caught brunette hair just so, transporting the officer back to another morning: Waverly waving at her from the front porch of the homestead, a fleeting ghost of a smile pulling at her lips.

Hope swelled in Nicole's chest, encouraging her to continue with her plan. She gently leaned in and placed a tender kiss on the shorter woman’s cheek.

“Waves,” she murmured, selfishly stealing the brunette’s attention from the breathtaking sight in front of them. “I want to conquer another fear before we go back to Purgatory.”

“What’s that?”

Nicole’s pulse raced as she willed her prepared words to come to the surface of her mind.

She took a deep breath, “When you first told me that you kissed Rosita, I was afraid that I would never be able to fully trust you again. We broke up, and I panicked over the idea that we would never get back together. Nothing, _nothing_ , was scarier than that thought…”

As the redhead trailed off, searching for her next words, she felt a smaller hand envelop her own. Feeling tears well in her eyes, Nicole took another steadying breath.

“…but you’ve given me time. Time to push that fear and worry to the back of my mind and focus on us being better for each other…and, since we haven’t really labeled this reincarnation of us as anything, I don’t want to worry about being apart from you again…”

Her breath caught as the officer saw tears fill Waverly’s eyes.

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend again?”

Knowing the words on the tip of her tongue, the corners of Nicole’s lips automatically lifted into a sly smile.

The officer shifted, pulling a small box from the pocket of her jeans as she beamed, “Wife, actually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've just crossed the finish line of a marathon in completing this...even though it's only 6 chapters. The comments and kudos helped me grind through to the end so, truly, thank you for following along! 
> 
> For those of you looking for some Erin and Wynonna banter, I posted a one shot yesterday as the third part of the series. I hope you enjoy it as much as I liked writing it :)


End file.
